Another year; Another beginning. Regaining self.

I have rediscovered this blog, and am surprised at the theme of the last, and only, entry I have made. I am surprised because the theme I wish to discuss, the particular thought I want to record tonight, is identical to the previous theme I explored so briefly over one year ago. The theme is loss of self, scattering of thoughts, and mental and intellectual incapacity. I

I actually presumed I was going to another blog of mine, which I had just started (I guess from another secret account?) a few days ago.

I return to this exploration of mental capacity because I discovered a particular thread on Reddit that really resonated with me.

feedhttp://www.reddit.com/r/Neuropsychology/comments/1avffk/im_reading_flowers_of_algernon_and/c95pkt2

Mental and intellectual incapacity

These might sound indistinguishable, but I believe there are significant distinctions between mental capacity and intellectual capacity. In my thinking, these differences have to do with scope of cerebral activity, and though the two are intimately connected, I'll separate them thusly. Mental capacity deals with those brain functions other than the purely intellectual or academic. It is the emotion, the motivation, the ability to gather thoughts of any sort, organize them, direct them, and employ them in line with personal values and desires. It also deals with the ability to discern your personal values and desires in the first place! Intellectual capacity has more to do with the analytical aspect, and a focused mental effort. I would say that perhaps mental capacity is broader ability to do, whereas intellectual capacity is the ability to think.

I feel that I lost both. I wonder if I'm recovering them? Well, I've already written more in one evening of watching the NBA playoffs than I wrote all last year. I think I'm winning. Am I ready for graduate school? I don't know.

Things about me that I wish to remember

Because memory is unreliable. And written fairly tersely because I don't feel I need to explain myself to myself.

• I created my first email addresses around age 13 based on a nickname given me by an older kid I admired and wanted to be like. There's an A at the end that I've only accepted from one person. Perhaps I still do look up to those older than me, but now it seems unnecessary to seek their approval or reconnaissance.
• I enjoy the idea of rituals, say reciting a particular dictum upon embarking on a new phase, or offering a symbolic gift to those in transition.
• I worry that I may be a stingy person. I hope I am not seen as such by my friends and family, but as much as I enjoy careful and thoughtful gift-giving, I don't always remember the right occasions, or follow-through with my plans.
• Examples:
• Manou and Tom moving in to their first or second house. I could have given even a small gift.
• My mom's birthday this year. I didn't remember to give her a card.
• Upon the death of Pete Kerrigan's brother several years ago, I wished to record a song for him, "May the Road Rise to Meet You," but I never did and I still regret it.
• I haven't given Linda the earrings from my mother from two Christmasses ago.
• I don't remember my friends' birthdays, though these folks in Haiti always remember me with a little gift. So thoughtful! ugh.

End.

now is the time

when have i felt like myself? when have i watched or understood the passing of the days? how do i know i'm not the same when 21 i was? why is my memory limited and the capacity for concreteness unimportant?

oh, biology!

this is a question.